283 quotations — 264 Funny, 15 Serious, 4 Trivia.
Here's page 6 of 15.
Given a choice between two theories, take the one which is funnier.101.
Goals are overrated.102.
The unaimed arrow never misses.
God created man before woman.103.
But there is always a rough draft, before the masterpiece.
God, give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I can't, and a great big bag of money.104.
God, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.105.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can't change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people I had to kill.106.
God made perfect heads.107.
Those that were not, He covered with hair.
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.108.
“Guests who kill talk show hosts” — On the last Geraldo!109.
Have you heard about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac?110.
He used to lie awake at night wondering if there's a dog.
Have you heard about the mathematician who had a constipation problem?111.
He worked it out with a pencil.
He who laughs last probably didn't understand the joke.112.
He who says it can't be done should not interrupt a man doing it.113.
Help stamp out, extinguish, eliminate, and abolish redundancy!114.
Help wanted: telepath.115.
You know where to apply.
Her kisses left something to be desired.116.
The rest of her.
Honesty is the best policy.117.
But insanity is a better defense.
How do you pronounce my name?118.
With reverence.
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the morning?119.
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated, instead of just murdered?120.