Unsourced

Quotations for which I could not find the author.

1. Computers do what you tell them to do, not what you want them to do.

   61.

2. Confidence is that feeling you have before you fully understand the situation.

   62.

3. Confused is when you see your mother-in-law drive off a cliff in your new BMW.

   63.

4. Could you please repeat the part after “Listen very carefully”?

   64.

5. Credit is a system that lets us start at the bottom, and dig ourselves a hole.

   65.

6. Death to all fanatics!

   66.

7. Democracy: Two wolves and a sheep, voting on what to have for dinner.
   Liberty: A well-armed lamb contesting the vote.

   67.

8. Did you hear about the blind man who went bungee jumping?
   Scared the hell out of the dog.

   68.

9. Did you hear about the dyslexic satanist?
   He sold his soul to Santa.

   69.

10. Did you hear about the wife who shot her husband with a bow and arrow, because she didn't want to wake the children?

    70.

11. Doctors will tell you that if you eat slowly, you will eat less.
    Anyone raised in a large family will tell you the same thing.

    71.

12. Dog and wife missing.
    Reward for Dog.

    72.

13. Don't be irreplaceable.
    If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

    73.

14. Don't Panic.
    Count to ten; then Panic!

    74.

15. Don't play stupid with me.
    I'm better at it.

    75.

16. Don't take life too seriously.
    You won't get out alive.

    76.

17. Don't tell any big lies today.
    Small ones can be just as effective.

    77.

18. Don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.

    78.

19. Don't waste your time studying the law.
    Study the loopholes.

    79.

20. Don't worry about what people think.
    They don't do it very often.

    80.