283 quotations — 264 Funny, 15 Serious, 4 Trivia.
Here's page 12 of 15.
The chance of a piece of bread falling the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.221.
The Dark Ages were caused by the Y1K problem.222.
The early bird may get the worm, but it's the second mouse that gets the cheese.223.
The last thing I want to do is insult you.224.
But it is on the list.
The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.225.
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.226.
The only exercise some people get is jumping to conclusions, running down their friends, side-stepping responsibility, and pushing their luck.227.
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you're with someone you don't want to be seen with.228.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.229.
The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.230.
The web isn't better than sex.231.
But sliced bread is in serious trouble.
Theory is when you know something, but it doesn't work.232.
Practice is when something works, but you don't know why.
Programmers combine theory and practice: nothing works and they don't know why.
There are 10 types of people: those who understand binary and those who don't.233.
There is a very fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.”234.
This would be really funny, if it wasn't happening to me.235.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.236.
Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no evil.237.
Because I am the meanest son-of-a-bitch in the valley.
To be, or not to be.238.
Those are the parameters.
To err is human.239.
To arr is pirate.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.240.