Chuck Norris Facts

The best of the fictional, satirical factoids about martial artist and actor Chuck Norris.

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22 quotations — all marked as Funny.

Here's page 1 of 2.

  1. A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is “Charles”.
    Chuck Norris did not respond; he simply stared at the man until he exploded.
  2. Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar.
    The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome can't be contained in one building.
  3. Chuck Norris can have his cake and eat it too.
  4. Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
  5. Chuck Norris does not own a house.
    He walks into random houses and people move.
  6. Chuck Norris does not use spell check.
    If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the spelling.
  7. Chuck Norris doesn't actually write.
    The words assemble themselves out of fear.
  8. Chuck Norris doesn't read books.
    He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
  9. Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch; he decides what time it is.
  10. Chuck Norris is allowed to talk about Fight Club.
  11. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming ‘Law’ and ‘Order’ are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
  12. Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant.
    The steak did what it was told.
  13. Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King.
    And got one.
  14. If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris.
  15. On the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it is noted that all records are held by Chuck Norris, and that those listed are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.
  16. Some people wear Superman pajamas.
    Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
  17. Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone.
    This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
  18. There is no “ctrl” button on Chuck Norris's computer.
    Chuck Norris is always in control.
  19. Time waits for no man.
    Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
  20. We live in an expanding universe.
    All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.

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