“
Hello, Ted.
If you're watching this tape — and I knew you'd pick this one — you are now in possession of my porn.
This can only mean two things: either I'm dead, or I'm now in a committed relationship.
If I'm dead, I want you to honor my memory by taking my body to the Hamptons, and recreating “Weekend at Bernie's”: I wanna‘ dance, I wanna’ have sex with a girl, and I wanna' go fishing.
If, on the other hand, I'm in a committed relationship, then, as your best friend, I have only one request: please, for the love of God, GET ME OUT OF THIS!
”