If you'd like, you can read more about Barney Stinson.
19 quotations — 9 Funny, 10 Trivia.
Barney: High-five!1.
Ted: Dude, we're at a wake.
Barney: Sorry. Solemn low-five.
[Describing the simplicity of running a marathon:]2.
Step one: you start running.
There is no step two.
In my body, where the shame gland should be, there's a second awesome gland.3.
Relapse five!4.
That's when we high-five.
Then it's awkward for a little bit.
Then we high-five again.
The only reason to wait a month for sex is if she's 17 years, 11 months old.5.
There are only two reasons to date a girl you've already dated: breast implants.6.
There's three rules of cheating:7.
(1) It's not cheating if you're not the one who's married.
(2) It's not cheating if her name has two adjacent vowels.
(3) And it's not cheating if she's from a different area code.
Think of me like Yoda.8.
But, instead of being little and green, I wear suits and I'm awesome.
I'm your bro — I'm Broda!
When I get sad, I stop being sad, and be awesome instead.9.
Daddy's home!10.
Freeze frame high-five!11.
Hello, Ted.12.
If you're watching this tape — and I knew you'd pick this one — you are now in possession of my porn.
This can only mean two things: either I'm dead, or I'm now in a committed relationship.
If I'm dead, I want you to honor my memory by taking my body to the Hamptons, and recreating “Weekend at Bernie's”: I wanna‘ dance, I wanna’ have sex with a girl, and I wanna' go fishing.
If, on the other hand, I'm in a committed relationship, then, as your best friend, I have only one request: please, for the love of God, GET ME OUT OF THIS!
Hi. Haaaave you met Ted?13.
Hypothetical high-five!14.
Jesus waited three days to come back to life. It was perfect!15.
If he had only waited one day, a lot of people wouldn't have even heard he died.
They'd be all “Hey Jesus, what up?”; and Jesus would probably be like “What up? I died yesterday!”; and they'd be all “Uh ... you look pretty alive to me, dude.”.
And then Jesus would have to explain how he was resurrected, and how it was a miracle, and the dude'd be like “Uhh ... okay; whatever you say, bro.”.
And he's not gonna come back on a Saturday. Everybody's busy: doing chores, workin‘ the loom, trimmin’ the beard.
No! He waited the perfect number of days: three.
Plus, it's Sunday; so everyone's in church already.
And they're all in there like “Oh no; Jesus is dead”.
And then BAM! He bursts in the back door, runnin' up the aisle, everyone's totally psyched — and FYI, that's when he invented the high five.
That's why we wait three days to call a woman: because that's how long Jesus wants us to wait.
Phone-five!16.
[On the phone.]
Self-five!17.
[To himself.]
Tiny-five!18.
[To a little kid.]
What up?19.