Barney Stinson

A fictional character in the TV Show “How I Met Your Mother”.

If you'd like, you can read more about Barney Stinson.

19 quotations — 9 Funny, 10 Trivia.

  1. Barney: High-five!
    Ted: Dude, we're at a wake.
    Barney: Sorry. Solemn low-five.
    1.
  2. [Describing the simplicity of running a marathon:]
    Step one: you start running.
    There is no step two.
    2.
  3. In my body, where the shame gland should be, there's a second awesome gland.
    3.
  4. Relapse five!
    That's when we high-five.
    Then it's awkward for a little bit.
    Then we high-five again.
    4.
  5. The only reason to wait a month for sex is if she's 17 years, 11 months old.
    5.
  6. There are only two reasons to date a girl you've already dated: breast implants.
    6.
  7. There's three rules of cheating:
    (1) It's not cheating if you're not the one who's married.
    (2) It's not cheating if her name has two adjacent vowels.
    (3) And it's not cheating if she's from a different area code.
    7.
  8. Think of me like Yoda.
    But, instead of being little and green, I wear suits and I'm awesome.
    I'm your bro — I'm Broda!
    8.
  9. When I get sad, I stop being sad, and be awesome instead.
    9.
  11. Daddy's home!
    10.
  12. Freeze frame high-five!
    11.
  13. Hello, Ted.
    If you're watching this tape — and I knew you'd pick this one — you are now in possession of my porn.
    This can only mean two things: either I'm dead, or I'm now in a committed relationship.
    If I'm dead, I want you to honor my memory by taking my body to the Hamptons, and recreating “Weekend at Bernie's”: I wanna‘ dance, I wanna’ have sex with a girl, and I wanna' go fishing.
    If, on the other hand, I'm in a committed relationship, then, as your best friend, I have only one request: please, for the love of God, GET ME OUT OF THIS!
    12.
  14. Hi. Haaaave you met Ted?
    13.
  15. Hypothetical high-five!
    14.
  16. Jesus waited three days to come back to life. It was perfect!
    If he had only waited one day, a lot of people wouldn't have even heard he died.
    They'd be all “Hey Jesus, what up?”; and Jesus would probably be like “What up? I died yesterday!”; and they'd be all “Uh ... you look pretty alive to me, dude.”.
    And then Jesus would have to explain how he was resurrected, and how it was a miracle, and the dude'd be like “Uhh ... okay; whatever you say, bro.”.
    And he's not gonna come back on a Saturday. Everybody's busy: doing chores, workin‘ the loom, trimmin’ the beard.
    No! He waited the perfect number of days: three.
    Plus, it's Sunday; so everyone's in church already.
    And they're all in there like “Oh no; Jesus is dead”.
    And then BAM! He bursts in the back door, runnin' up the aisle, everyone's totally psyched — and FYI, that's when he invented the high five.
    That's why we wait three days to call a woman: because that's how long Jesus wants us to wait.
    15.
  17. Phone-five!
    [On the phone.]
    16.
  18. Self-five!
    [To himself.]
    17.
  19. Tiny-five!
    [To a little kid.]
    18.
  20. What up?
    19.