Steven Wright

A comedian, actor, and writer.

If you'd like, you can read more about Steven Wright.

36 quotations — 35 Funny, 1 Serious.

  1. 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
    1.
  2. Always try to be modest.
    And be damn proud of it!
    2.
  3. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
    3.
  4. Cross country skiing is great.
    If you live in a small country.
    4.
  5. Did you sleep well?
    No; I made a couple of mistakes.
    5.
  6. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
    6.
  7. Everywhere is within walking distance — if you have the time.
    7.
  8. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
    8.
  9. Hard work has a future payoff.
    Laziness pays off now.
    9.
  10. How did a fool and his money get together in the first place?
    10.
  11. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
    11.
  12. I have just installed a skylight in my apartment.
    The people above me are furious.
    12.
  13. I intend to live forever.
    So far, so good.
    13.
  14. I was in a grocery store.
    I saw a sign that said “pet supplies.”; so I did.
    Then, I went outside, and saw a sign that said “Compact cars”.
    14.
  15. I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time”.
    So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
    15.
  16. I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
    16.
  17. If a man says something in the woods, and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
    17.
  18. If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
    18.
  19. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
    19.
  20. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence you ever tried.
    20.
  21. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?
    21.
  22. Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
    22.
  23. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
    23.
  24. Light travels faster than sound.
    Isn't that why people appear bright before you hear them speak?
    24.
  25. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
    25.
  26. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
    26.
  27. Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
    I think I've forgotten this before.
    27.
  28. Shin [tibia]: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
    28.
  29. The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
    29.
  30. There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
    30.
  31. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism.
    To steal from many is research.
    31.
  32. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
    32.
  33. What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?
    33.
  34. What's another word for thesaurus?
    34.
  35. You never really learn to swear, until you learn to drive.
    35.
  37. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
    36.