Jerry Seinfeld

A comedian, actor, and writer.

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14 quotations — 12 Funny, 2 Serious.

  1. Ask not what I can do for you.
    Ask what you can do for me.
    1.
  2. Dogs are the leaders of the planet.
    If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.
    2.
  3. It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
    3.
  4. Looking at a cleavage is like looking at the sun.
    You don't stare at it; it's too risky.
    You get a sense of it, and then you look away.
    4.
  5. Men don't care what's on TV.
    They only care what else is on TV.
    5.
  6. Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.
    6.
  7. My parents didn't want to move to Florida.
    But they turned sixty, and that's the law.
    7.
  8. People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.
    8.
  9. Sometimes, the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.
    9.
  10. That's the true spirit of Christmas: People being helped by people other than me.
    10.
  11. Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.
    11.
  12. Why do people give each other flowers?
    To celebrate various important occasions, they're killing living creatures?
    Why restrict it to plants?
    “Sweetheart, let's make up. Have this deceased squirrel.”
    12.
  14. The Four Levels of Comedy:
    (1) Make your friends laugh
    (2) Make strangers laugh
    (3) Get paid to make strangers laugh
    (4) Make people talk like you because it's so much fun.
    13.
  15. There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.
    14.