Jack Handey

A humorist.

If you'd like, you can read more about Jack Handey.

10 quotations — all marked as Funny.

  1. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
    That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away from them.
    And you have their shoes!
  2. Broken promises don't upset me.
    I just think “Why did they believe me?”.
  3. Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine.
    Which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
  4. I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate.
    And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.
  5. I want to die peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather.
    Not screaming in terror, like his passengers.
  6. Instead of building newer and larger weapons of mass destruction, I think mankind should try to get more use out of the ones we have.
  7. It takes a big man to cry.
    But it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
  8. Of all the causes of austronaut insanity, getting a fly stuck inside your space helmet is probably in the top three.
  9. Sometimes, when I lie in bed at night and look up at the stars, I think to myself “Man, I really need to fix that roof!”.
  10. When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.