Jack Bauer Facts

The best of the fictional, satirical factoids about the title character of the “24” TV Show.

1. A Priest, a Rabbi, and a Minister walked into a bar.
   And Jack Bauer is going to find out why.

   1.

2. If everyone would just listen to Jack, the show would be called 12.

   2.

3. Jack and Jill went up the hill.
   Only Jack came down.
   Jill was a fucking terrorist.

   3.

4. Jack Bauer doesn't cut his grass; he stares at it and dares it to grow.

   4.

5. Jack Bauer doesn't miss.
   If he didn't hit you, it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.

   5.

6. Jack Bauer doesn't need to search the internet.
   He just stares a computer down, until it gives him the information he needs.

   6.

7. Jack Bauer once punched himself in the face: he felt a little dizzy.
   Now you know what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object.

   7.

8. Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead.
   It just makes him angry.

   8.

9. Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland.
   Jack Bauer gets played by no man.

   9.