Groucho Marx

A comedian and film star.

If you'd like, you can read more about Groucho Marx.

20 quotations — all marked as Funny.

  1. A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
    1.
  2. Although it is generally known, I think it's about time to announce that I was born at a very early age.
    2.
  3. Before I speak, I have something important to say.
    3.
  4. I can marry anyone I please.
    The problem is that I don't please anyone.
    4.
  5. I find television very educational.
    Every time someone switches it on, I go into another room and read a good book.
    5.
  6. I have had a perfectly wonderful evening.
    But this wasn't it.
    6.
  7. I intend to live forever, or die trying.
    7.
  8. I never forget a face.
    But, in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception.
    8.
  9. I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
    9.
  10. I was married by a judge.
    I should have asked for a jury.
    10.
  11. I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
    11.
  12. [Last words:]
    Die, my dear?
    Why, that's the last thing I'll do.
    12.
  13. Man does not control his own fate.
    The women in his life do that for him.
    13.
  14. Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
    14.
  15. Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
    15.
  16. My mother loved children.
    She would have given anything if I had been one.
    16.
  17. One morning, I shot an elephant in my pajamas.
    How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.
    17.
  18. Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend.
    Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
    18.
  19. [Suggested epitaph:]
    Excuse me, I can't stand up.
    19.
  20. While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.
    20.