Woody Allen

A screenwriter, director, actor, comedian, writer, musician, and playwright.

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18 quotations — 17 Funny, 1 Serious.


  1. I believe there is something out there watching us.
    Unfortunately, it's the government.
    1.
  2. I don't want to achieve immortality through my work.
    I want to achieve it by not dying.
    2.
  3. I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.
    3.
  4. I took a speed-reading course, and read War and Peace in twenty minutes.
    It involves Russia.
    4.
  5. I was nauseous and tingly all over.
    I was either in love, or I had smallpox.
    5.
  6. I will not eat oysters.
    I want my food dead.
    Not sick; not wounded; dead.
    6.
  7. If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.
    7.
  8. Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
    8.
  9. Money is better than poverty — if only for financial reasons.
    9.
  10. Most of the time I don't have much fun.
    The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.
    10.
  11. My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
    11.
  12. Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on a Sunday.
    12.
  13. Sex without love is an empty experience.
    But, as empty experiences go, it's one of the best!
    13.
  14. There are worse things in life than death.
    Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
    14.
  15. To you I'm an atheist.
    To God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
    15.
  16. What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists?
    In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
    16.
  17. When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action.
    They rented out my room.
    17.

  18. It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people.
    The good ones slept better; while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.
    18.