Rodney Dangerfield

A comedian and actor.

1. A girl phoned me the other day and said “Come on over; there's nobody home.”.
   I went over; nobody was home.

   1.

2. As a child, I could tell my parents hated me.
   My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

   2.

3. During sex, my wife always wants to talk to me.
   Just the other night, she called me from a hotel.

   3.

4. I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

   4.

5. I haven't spoken to my wife in years.
   I didn't want to interrupt her.

   5.

6. I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father.
   He said he wanted more proof.

   6.

7. I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me.
   He said I was being ridiculous — everyone hasn't met me yet.

   7.

8. I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

   8.

9. My psychiatrist told me I was crazy; I said I wanted a second opinion.
   He said “Okay; you're ugly too!”.

   9.

10. My wife and I were happy for twenty years.
    Then we met.

    10.

11. My wife met me at the door the other night, in a sexy negligee.
    Unfortunately, she was just coming home.

    11.

12. When I was a kid, my parents moved a lot.
    But I always found them.

    12.

13. Yeah, I know I'm ugly.
    I once said to a bartender “Make me a Zombie.”.
    He said “God beat me to it.”.

    13.