Rodney Dangerfield

A comedian and actor.

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13 quotations — all marked as Funny.

  1. A girl phoned me the other day and said “Come on over; there's nobody home.”.
    I went over; nobody was home.
  2. As a child, I could tell my parents hated me.
    My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
  3. During sex, my wife always wants to talk to me.
    Just the other night, she called me from a hotel.
  4. I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
  5. I haven't spoken to my wife in years.
    I didn't want to interrupt her.
  6. I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father.
    He said he wanted more proof.
  7. I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me.
    He said I was being ridiculous — everyone hasn't met me yet.
  8. I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
  9. My psychiatrist told me I was crazy; I said I wanted a second opinion.
    He said “Okay; you're ugly too!”.
  10. My wife and I were happy for twenty years.
    Then we met.
  11. My wife met me at the door the other night, in a sexy negligee.
    Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
  12. When I was a kid, my parents moved a lot.
    But I always found them.
  13. Yeah, I know I'm ugly.
    I once said to a bartender “Make me a Zombie.”.
    He said “God beat me to it.”.