George Carlin

A comedian and social critic.

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32 quotations — 29 Funny, 3 Serious.

  1. An art thief is a man who takes pictures.
    1.
  2. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
    2.
  3. Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers.
    3.
  4. Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
    4.
  5. How is it possible to have a civil war?
    5.
  6. I bet you anything that, 10 times out of 10, Nicky, Vinny, and Tony will beat the shit out of Todd, Kyle, and Tucker.
    6.
  7. I don't have pet peeves.
    I have major psychotic fucking hatreds!
    7.
  8. I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself — until I met a man who had no feet.
    I took his shoes.
    Now I feel better.
    8.
  9. I have lots of ideas.
    Trouble is most of them suck.
    9.
  10. I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete.
    It's so fuckin' heroic.
    10.
  11. I love and treasure individuals, as I meet them.
    I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.
    11.
  12. I put a dollar in a change machine.
    Nothing changed.
    12.
  13. I think I am, therefore I am. I think.
    13.
  14. If God had intended us not to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter.
    14.
  15. If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
    15.
  16. If people stand in a circle long enough, they'll eventually begin to dance.
    16.
  17. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
    17.
  18. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
    18.
  19. Live and let live — that's my motto.
    Anyone who can't go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker.
    19.
  20. Most people work just hard enough not to get fired, and get paid just enough money not to quit.
    20.
  21. Some people just don't know how to drive.
    I call these people “Everybody But Me”.
    21.
  22. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
    22.
  23. They say rather than cursing the darkness, one should light a candle.
    They don't mention anything about cursing a lack of candles.
    23.
  24. Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
    24.
  25. Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
    Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.
    25.
  26. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
    26.
  27. When you're born into this world, you're given a ticket to the freak show.
    If you're born in America, you get a front row seat.
    27.
  28. Why do they call it “Tourist Season”, if we can't shoot them?
    28.
  29. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
    29.
  31. As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.
    30.
  32. People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point.
    31.
  33. There is no present.
    There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
    32.